Week 5: Dead, Dead 'N Eddie

Eddie Winslow, presidential candidate of the Bachelor Party, has had a lot of problems with this election. He has been accussed of having the same views as House Party presidential candidate Carl Winslow as well as a rumor that he was supposed to be Carl's running mate. He also has been blamed for bashing Slumber Party presidential candidate Laura Winslow the most during the election because she's a girl. And he has come in last place in all of the opinion polls thus far.

And if things couldn't get worse, they did. A recent fired employee from the Bachelor Party, who simply goes by the name Oneisha, has made a public announcement to the media that she and Eddie were having an affair during the election and she was fired to stop the secret from coming out.

"Eddie claimed that he loved and cared for me. That is why he gave me the job as head of public relations for the Bachelor Party," she said in an exclusive interview in front of Chicago City Hall. "But as Eddie and I spent more time together, Greta became a little suspicious. Rather than tell her the truth, he decided to let me go."

Eddie completely denies the allegations of Oneisha, who plans to sue him and the Bachelor Party for 20 million dollars. "I did not have an affair with that woman, Miss Oneisha," Eddie explained during a interview on Larry King Live. "I will admit that before I met Greta, Oneisha and I did indeed have a relationship. But as I recall, she broke up with me for some other guy. I almost didn't want to go on until Steve and Waldo saved me from falling off of a balcony. And shortly afterwards, I met Greta and have been happy ever since."

Greta, first lady of the Bachelor Party, stands by her man. "He better be telling the truth, or I'll knock him out," she quotes.

It is a well known fact that Eddie's past has been kind of rocky, which has hurt him so far in the campaign. As soon as the election started, Eddie was criticized for having Waldo Faldo as his running mate, who is publicly known for not being a smart man. But, transcripts from Eddie's alma mater, Vanderbilt High School, proved that he, too, was not the smartest of children in school, making low grades, failing tests, and even bribing Steve Urkel, presidential candidate of the Geek Party, to tutor him.

"He promised Steve Urkel a date with me just so he could pass math," says Laura. "You call that presidential material?"

In addition to not being the studious type, Eddie was met with public assumption after it was revealed that he had several girlfriends growing up.

"It was like every Friday night he had a different girl," says Maxine Johnson, vice presidential candidate for the Slumber Party. "I don't know how he kept up with all of them. Most men have a little black book. Eddie has a little black encyclopedia."

"I don't know why he dated all those women," says Myrtle Urkel, vice presidential candidate of the Geek Party. "It's obvious that he loved little ole me." Eddie also denies that allegation and, with that one, everyone believes. But not everyone is so sure about the information coming out from Oneisha, who claims she and Eddie told Greta they had "confidential marketing meetings" which were actually their dates.

And to make matters even worse, another ex-employee of the Bachelor Party, Vonda Mahoney, spoke out this week to state she was fired months ago by not Eddie, but Greta, for getting too close. "She noticed we spent a lot of time together and that made her insanely jealous," says Vonda. "And finding out we used to date was the last straw. I didn't want to speak out before, but Oneisha was so brave to, I decided to do the same." She is also suing the Bachelor Party for 20 million dollars. "I've been seriously scarred by what happened to me there," she says, "but I think 20 million dollars will heal all my wounds."

Eddie has now become the butt of many infidelity jokes from the accusations from Oneisha and Vonda. Lately, most of the material from Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Bill Maher, and Chris Rock have all been jokes toward Eddie, and it is not helping his campaign at all.

"Eddie really has it bad right now," says Rodney Beckett, an old friend of Eddie and a Bachelor Party financial supporter. "First, people got on him because he wasn't so smart. And then people blasted him because his vice president wasn't so smart. They even got him on the fact that he and I played a lot of pranks together. Now this is putting the nail in the coffin. With so many problems circling Eddie, it seems almost impossible for him to win the election."

"Eddie is a young man capable of running this country," says Weasel, another Bachelor Party supporter. "But I'm afraid no one is going to look past his personal problems and are going to use that against him."

That is a tactic that the other candidates hope will work. "If he can't even handle his old girlfriends, how he can handle foreign countries?" says Steve. "I mean, after all, aren't they a lot alike?"